mandie_bear's Xanga

Out of my mind...

Fri, 14 May 2010 00:39:26 GMT

I have 3 blogs. Yes, 3. I rarely post on any of them. So, why do I keep them all separate? Well, first of all, this is my generic, diary of sorts blog. I pretty much write whatever I feel like writing or posting here. My second blog is a mostly NSFW erotic story/poetry blog...and if anyone in my family ever got a hold of that website, I'm sure they'd have a pretty huge cow as they are quite conservative & old fashioned. My third blog is dedicated to strictly poetry/short stories of the non-erotic nature. So, am I out of my mind in believing that I can have 3 separate blogs & still be ok? Even though I hardly ever post to any of them? Or should I try to condense down to 2? Or should I quit blogging all-together since I can't seem to do it on a regular basis?

I have no clear answer right now.

Also, being as this is my diary/post whatever blog...I hate having health issues. I was in hospital yet again for diverticulitis...now I get to struggle with State Assistance to try to get help for my medical treatments. Also, having diabetes sucks...as does having tendonitis, stomach issues, and asthma and sleep apnea...ok...ranting of the poor me nature done and over. Everyone has health issues that they face on a daily basis. They suck. Medical insurance sucks...there is no easy answer for health care. Anyway. I'm pretty much all better from the diverticulitis now except for having a colonoscopy done in about 2 months and check up at the Dr office in a week.

It really is true that when you are physically down, you seem to be attacked from all angles...especially emotionally. I'm letting things get to me that I know I shouldn't. I'm crying over things best forgotten. I'm missing people who probably never think about me anymore. Yet, I can't seem to stop myself from wishing for what might have been...wishing for a word, a touch, a gesture of feeling from them. But, like the wise man named Jagger once said, You can't always get what you want.

Until next time, my friends...stay sane...and sending you much love!

Out of Reach by Gabrielle

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:55:08 GMT

Ok, so this song's been stuck in my head for several weeks, so I figured I'd share...

Out of Reach

Verse 1
Knew the signs wasn't right
I was stupid, for a while
Swept away, by you
And now I feel like a fool

Chorus
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be

Verse 2
Catch myself, from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy, everyday
I know I will be ok

Chorus
But I'm
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be

Bridge
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You'll be out of my mind
I'll be over you

Chorus
And know I'm
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me

Thanksgiving

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:51:08 GMT

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I have so many fond memories of Thanksgiving from when I was younger. Going to one gramma's house for lunch, then the other gramma's house for dinner. All the yummy food! :) But, now, even as an adult, Thanksgiving is still my favorite holiday. This year is different from every other year. See, this year is the first year I've not gone to either gramma's house for Thanksgiving. See, my one Gramma passed away earlier this year. And my other Gramma moved out of state because my Grampa died last year. So, this year, my Mom cooked Thanksgiving dinner at her house. It was her first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner. It was amazing! :)

Though, now that I am at home, I can let my emotions run free. While I had an amazing time at my Mom's house, I am saddened for the era that is now past. I find myself missing my Dad, both Grampas, and my Grammas. I miss all my aunts,uncles, and cousins being together...being rowdy and laughing. Not that there wasn't laughing and rowdiness at Mom's with my nieces & small cousins from my step-dad's family, but it's just not the same.

I shed tears of sorrow for times past...in thankfulness that I had so many wonderful years of happiness and joy...but sorrow that I will not see so many loved ones this side of Heaven again. Sorry that my Dad will never know the joy of his 3 granddaughters...how precious and beautiful they are. He would have loved them so much!

But I can still say Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Because, even though I still mourn, the mourning makes me so much more thankful for the joy this day brings...for getting to be with my brother and sister-in-law and my 3 beautiful nieces. For still having my mom with me. For being a part of an amazing family. I am blessed beyond measure...and I am so very thankful. :)

The cries of a broken heart

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:00:05 GMT

There's a void. A deep, dark crevasse in my soul. Once it was filled with something so glorious, so amazing that mere words couldn't even begin to describe it. But that is now gone. YOU are now gone. You filled the gaping wound now left inside my heart. I let you inside...to the very innermost parts of my soul...I breathed you...lived for you...and now, you've taken that all away from me. Your love was the light of my world...the sun in my sky...the brilliant moon as I walked through the night. Now, all is darkness...the light has gone out of my life. I feel as though I am blind...walking recklessly through the gutters...with no purpose, no joy, no ties to this plane of existence. At times, I've thought about leaving this plane...yes, many times these thoughts have traveled across my wearied mind...do I even deserve to be here...what is it like THERE? Would anyone miss me? Would anyone care? What's stopping me from taking my path to the new existence in my own hands? I don't know. Once, you were my only reason for wanting to be alive. Once, I was so in love with you that I could scarcely breath when you were near me. Now...well, now I have to find a different reason to want to live. The love I had is shattered...mixed with the blood of my heart and the tears of my eyes. Now, I must find a reason to carry on.

Will you?

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 02:08:03 GMT

Fly me to where the moon cannot see me...where the sun cannot touch me...you're the only one who can reach me...and when I need you most, you're gone...

Will you catch the broken pieces as my life falls apart...or will you be just another reason that I have a broken heart?

Will you dance with me as the rain softly falls...or will you forget who I am and ignore all my calls?

Will you lend me your shoulder when the tears overflow...or will you walk out on me when I've nowhere else to go?

Will you kiss me and love me and make me feel whole...or will you be the reason that there's a hole in my soul?

Will you be by my side when the world tumbles down...or will you run and hide like the others that I've known?

Will you fly with me? Fly away from the pain...from the hurt and the sorrow...to go dance in the rain?

Will you soar to new heights? Far away from the tears...no more lonesome or sad...to forge happy years?\

Or do my hopes and my dreams have no chance at all? No happy ending...none to catch as I fall...

As I drown in the rain, staring out at the sun...the moon starts to laugh...and the stars to make fun...

All that's left of my hope is a sad, empty space...what once was is removed...gone without a trace...

Kristophe Chapter 4

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:28:56 GMT

Chapter 4

Kristophe worked as an accountant for a large firm in Elsinor, South Dakota. He wasn’t particularly noticeable in any respect. Though he was muscular, his face was plain, and his eyes were always cast down so no one could see the cool blue color that stood out behind his shaggy black hair. He kept his bangs long for the specific purpose of hiding his eyes. Anonymity was Kristophe’s best and only friend.

When the voice started at work, Kristophe nearly went insane. He had been dealing with the voice for nearly ten years now, and it had never bothered him at work. So, Kristophe took all of his vacation time, three months, at once to try to quiet the voice once and for all. The voice demanded human blood immediately after Kristophe got home. For two weeks, Kristophe tried to appease the voice with larger animals. He chased and brought down deer, elk, and several foxes and wolves. Still, the voice cried out for human blood. So Kristophe found Kate Stallings…and still, the voice cried out for more…more…more.

Raw

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:06:53 GMT

Raw...yes, that's what I'm feeling today. Raw...stripped bare until my emotions come rolling to the surface. Oh, I hide it well...so well that my mother couldn't even tell how much pain I am truly in...no one could tell how much pain I am in...but it's there...ever present, and today, it is at the surface like few other times. You see, today is the anniversary of the day my Dad died. It's been 8 years. 8 long, hard years...and the pain is still there...so sharp and piercing that at times I can scarcely breathe. I long for company...yet also yearn to be alone in my misery. So I find myself at my usual place...my usual spot...without my usual friends. Tears always near the surface...but I've yet to shed them. Head pounding...heart aching with a very real, physical ache. But it's been 8 years...how can the pain still feel this new...this fresh...this, well, painful. It's lessened some over the years...but on this day, it's like a fresh slice of the knife has been cut through. I finally managed to withstand the draw of the cemetery today. But I still feel a deep desire to go...to lie down beside his grave and keen my despair at the moon. *sigh* Yes, I'm feeling very raw today. But tomorrow is a new day...a fresh day...and perhaps, tomorrow, the pain will be back to hiding.

How YOU are you?

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 22:04:06 GMT

I often wonder how many people are actually themselves online. Me? I'm definitely more outgoing and playful online than I am in person, most of the time. (It depends on who I am with at that moment.) See, I've never really met any of the friends I've met online in person. Oh, how I would love to meet some of them! Are you as fun...as philosophical...as joking...as flirty as you seem to be online? For me, being online in an anonymous way makes me more outgoing and fun...sometimes...but I also put a lot of myself out there...I tend to be extremely transparent. When I say, "I love you" or give out hugs or complain about my horrible work day, I'm really feeling that. I try not to withhold myself...for being myself is all I can be. What about you? Do you put up pretenses online? Are you more reserved in your dealings with online or offline people? While I may be a bit more outgoing with people online, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. How about you? How YOU are you?

Untitled story for now...lol

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:56:08 GMT

She startled from her sleep hearing the door close and the car start. Nothing unusual about waking up to those sounds, but today was different. Somehow, she knew it was different, but she couldn't seem to grasp exactly how different it truly would be. She ran her hand along the still warm indentation left by her lover's body. Her bed still smelled of sex and both their scents. Slowly, she arose and started her morning ritual of shower, coffee, breakfast, leaving for work. Started, but never completed...for it was when she walked from bed to bathroom that she found the note.

"Dearest Lana, You know how much I love you, but I just can't stay. I've taken all my things. I won't be back. It pains me to do this...to leave you this way. But I have no choice. If I told you in person, you would have convinced me to stay, and I have to go. No, I cannot tell you why. Please don't try to find me. You will always be in my heart...please erase me from yours. I know you are in pain now, and I'm sorry for that, but please move on soon. For your sake as well as mine. Ever Yours, Daniel"

Lana sank to the floor. She couldn't move. Tears streamed down her face as she read the note over and over trying to comprehend every word in her tortured mind. How could she live without him? They were talking marriage and family. How could he leave with only a note?

Her heart hurt. She had never experienced heartbreak before...she had been the ender of all relationships past...now she knew what it felt like. It was dreams collapsing before her eyes...children unborn...hope surpassed by only grief and despair.

Slowly, she stood to her feet, grabbed the phone and called off from work, and got her keys and started mindlessly driving. Lana paid no attention to where she was going. Driving until she couldn't see from the torrents of tears pouring down her face. Her eyes burning and shining with pain. She lost track of time and distance as her car ate up miles of winding roads and freeways. Suddenly, she just couldn't take any more. She drove her car around to the nearest bridge and gunned the engine.

A Haiku from Bethany

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 22:36:21 GMT

So, one of my bestest friends decided to write a haiku for my blog...here it is:

wind rippled water

lifeless echoing bluster

tears on a dead face

I love her very much...perhaps one day, I shall have some drawings of hers to post on here, as well *hint, hint, hint* :P